Friday friday friday

By the title of this post, you are probably thinking that I have HUGE weekend plans right? Well you are sadly mistaken. I plan on spending the weekend catching up on things. This is the first Thanksgiving in a long time that my family is not going out of town. We tend to head to Youngstown Ohio to visit my dad's family. As sad as I am to be missing the cousins, aunts, uncles, etc... I plan on actually having a real break for the first time in a long time. Hence why I plan on cleaning, studying, and hitting the gym everyday. Sunday afternoon is my reward for all of this hard work. I am finally getting a haircut (much needed), I will upload a picture sometime on Monday.

On another note, today is the anniversary of my mom's mom's death. She died 36 years ago when my mom was only 19. I never met her which is why I do not call her grandma, for some reason it sounds weird to give someone an affectionate nickname when you never met them. Ever since I became aware of the actual day that she died, it has always been a bit weird. I end up in a melancholy, emotional, I need to be with one person or just on my own for the day kind of state. I wish so much that I would have had the chance to meet her. I ask my mom about her all the time. I should have asked my Aunt Dodo (her youngest sister) before she died 3 years ago, but I never thought to do such a thing. I carry so much of a woman that I never met, she is very much a part of me. I have her eyes, her hands, her smile, her love of cooking and baking, and her love of shoes (somehow that is an inherited quality). I am also her namesake. Her name was Anita but everybody called her Annie. My given name is Anne, but few people call me that because if you ask my friends, my personality is very far from an Anne. I find myself missing a woman who is so much a part of my person without knowing who she is. I remember how I personally felt triumphant when I hit my 20th birthday and my mom was still alive. It sounds stupid, but ever since I was a kid the age of 20 was a big deal because I was acutely aware of how old my own mother was when she lost her. I look at my mother and see so much strength in her because she has lived a life of grace, poise, courage, drive, desire, love, and so much more. She had everything against her yet she still made a life for herself that is full in every way. At 21 my mother was an orphan. I hold my relationship with her so close to my heart because I do not know what I would do if I lost her. Our relationship is strong and has always been. I cannot remember a time when I felt like I could not go to her for something. Sure we fight, but I cannot go to bed upset with her. Even if nothing is resolved I always make a point to say 'I love you'. I will call her back if I do not think she said it. I am like this with my whole family. I fear losing the people who are close to me because that amount of pain scares me. To my mother, so much of me is because of you. To my mom's mom, you are missed by those who never had the pleasure of meeting you and even more by those you left behind. You are loved and you are beloved. I carry you with me everyday, but today especially.

Enjoy the beautiful fall weather!
Affectionately,
Annie